The Best Insult I Ever Heard

Before I had the nice guy next door to me, there was a ned. A horrible wee smelly noisy manky druggie little ned. He was a right wee shite.

And he had friends. Friends that came round and had parties for days and days on end and it was obvious none of them had a job because they obviously never had to sleep. And the police were always on their doorstep trying to get them to shut up.

Well this ned had a girlfriend. Actually, he probably had more than one. There was often a consumptive looking goth girl smoking frantically outside my flat and stubbing her fag-ends out on the brand new lino with her horrible dirty boots. But I don't think this was her. Because this other girl I'm talking about was actually animated.

I'm not talking animated in a sort of lah-lah-lah-floating-about-like-a-Disney-flower-pixie kind of way. I mean in a sort of over-dramatic-shouting-and-creating-hell-over-the-slightest-thing kind of way. And over-dramatisation went on quite often.

I'm not saying she wasn't bright. She may well have been, I don't know. They didn't argue about quantum physics... I'm just saying that she had a bit of a limited vocabulary.

And this is a perfect example:

I wake up. 2am. The rain hitting the window and the wind howling is doing nothing to drown out the mad howling that is going on next door.

The argument has been going on for about 5 minutes in what normal people would call raised voices. For the drama queen next door, this is probably normal volume.

She throws an insult...

He throws one back...

She screams and his insult is returned at a louder volume...
I'm about to bang on the wall and tell them to shut up when...!

He roars and asks her if that's the best she can do. I wonder to myself... Well, Is it?

There is a silence... (Obviously to give her time to think)
And then comes the most phenomenal insult EVER KNOWN TO MAN...

Pray readers, some respectful silence for this all-hallowed insult...

...

...
FUCK YOOUUUUU! YOU FUCKKING FUUUUUCK!

A door is slammed.

And somewhere... Somewhere deep deep inside me, a very very small part of me is really quite impressed.